I hate admitting that I fear anything. But I do fear.

I like change sometimes, but some, I fear more. Even when every part of me knows that a particular change would have a wonderfully positive impact upon all involved, it’s that “realm of the unknown” thing that gets me…the “what ifs.” I HATE the “what ifs.”

It’s funny, too, that I write about fear because there is this adventurer within me who watched Storm Chasers tonight on The Discovery Channel in sheer amazement when these guys turned back from within an eerie green storm — can you say “Tornadoes are almost certain”??? — because they lost contact with Josh, their “eyes” on the radar. They were already in the middle of it! Me? I would have been thinking, “I ain’t turning back now. I’m in this. If I die doing it, I’m doing what I love.” They turned back. I was shocked.

Yeah, I know. I wasn’t there…yada yada. I would totally chase tornadoes or fly into the eye of a hurricane or skydive. You wouldn’t have to ask me twice if I weren’t a wife and mother; those who know me know I’m not kidding.

I am scared, I confess, for the education of one of our sons who is incredibly bright but whose learning style does not fit the mold of the traditional public school system. I am frustrated that he is slipping through the cracks because of immense class size. I am angry that the whole thing discourages him so.

On that note, I am thrilled that my husband has a superb gift for teaching and instruction and is undoubtedly more patient than I — and he is therefore better equipped to homeschool this son if we determine that is necessary. I am, at the same time, scared that this economy will make it impossible for me to find a livable wage job so he can school our son at home and be here when our other kids get home from school.

Our son is more important to me than my fears of the unknown, so it’s a no-brainer that Richard and I will do what we must to ensure we do our son right.

I must remember with renewed confidence that blind corners hide the best surprises.

Oh, Lord, help my unbelief!

© 2008 Alexa Lopez