I didn’t feel important to my dad. I felt cherished from time to time — like in those times when he said things like “you’re Daddy’s girl” or when he made certain to kiss me goodnight when he was home, or when he fought my mom for custody of us (my mom loved us enough to let us go), his two youngest daughters. That was until I realized that though he did the best he could with what he had, his priorities in life betrayed the words he spoke to us.

His pain in life brought him to a place where he was blind to the pain he inflicted on others, and he refused to admit that there was room for change. Even when he had opportunity to grow as a person, he enjoyed instead the comfort of his bubble and everyone it shut out.

I am a grown woman today, with five children of my own. I am only now discovering how deep is my distrust for God. I understand fully that it is my responsibility as an adult to determine how I act rather than use my crappy childhood as an excuse for my failures and shortcomings. It is a daily struggle; I welcome the challenge. I want to grow.

I look upon my children numerous times each day and pray I am doing right by them. I hope they always find warmth in their memories of home and not sorrow when they reflect upon their childhoods.

Each day my ability to trust God as a Father and trust others in general is a challenge because I never knew a promise kept. Each day I am faced with the fear that my children will struggle in their belief the way I have in mine.

Even as a child I was aware that my dad’s mind was always elsewhere. Those days when he was not flying his commercial jet, while he was present in body, he was absent.

It may seem as though I’m whining. On the contrary, I’ve learned a lot and I can make the future of our children count for something. I can use it all for good.

How significant is an earthly dad’s nurturing to the faith of a child.

The man I married 18 years ago…..well, I knew he was amazing when I married him. Having children with him has made him all the more amazing to me. I did not know such fathers existed. I am in awe of his ideas to help our kids with conflict resolution, such as this video of our daughters trying to resolve a disagreement. I cannot believe my baggage did not scare off this most decent man.

Our family may not be wealthy or able to do much materially for our children, but perhaps that in itself, while frustrating, is a blessing! May I never lose sight of the heritage my husband and I are creating for our kids. If I had to choose between a heritage and an inheritance, heritage wins. In the long run, I can honestly say that is what matters.

© Alexa Lopez 2008