Growing Edges
alexa lopezArchive for August, 2007
To Doubt is Human
Encouragement that I’ve desperately needed for over a year came last week from the most unlikely of sources: news of the human side of Mother Teresa’s profound faith.
When I pour over each day’s headlines I see the same news, rarely anything “new.” So news in Reuter’s and Time last week of Mother Teresa’s doubts about God shocked me. I no longer felt alone in my sorrow; more importantly, I felt less ashamed that I struggled in my faith.
How could this woman’s letters read so much like the pages in my journal? Ten years after her death, Mother Teresa has touched another life. Mine. Her human struggles greatly impact me.
I’ve beaten myself up for so long because the beautiful and wonderful things in my life have been overshadowed by what torments me. It doesn’t help when my brothers and sisters in the Lord minimize my sadness with counter-productive Christian-ese clichès (“God is true,” “Give it to Jesus!” “Real Christians don’t get depressed” — I used to be in denial and said all of those same things to people). It has become my internal struggle: on the outside, I’m all put together, wearing my ministry smile. Inside, I’m one who wonders, “Where is God in the equation of suffering?
Maybe I should also ask, “Where are God’s people in the equation of human suffering?”
In a strange way it helps to know that Teresa continued her mission despite severe doubts about God; she experienced darkness and emptiness in her soul yet pressed on. Her faith was more profound than even she realized. That she suffered doubt and felt God was absent did not betray her love for God, nor does it betray mine.
The problem is that believers are uncomfortable when others wrestle with God, and the only thing they can think to do is resort to the “go team”/”depend on God” rhetoric. The best thing one can do for another then is to practice “ministry of presence” which is far more comforting; clichès only serve to heap on the guilt which is not from God!
Mother Teresa wrote in one letter from September of 1979, “Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.” How many people across theological lines have secretly felt the same and feel guilty about that already because they know better?
I shall not dare to equate my own suffering with what she witnessed and dwelt among for half a century. I am no selfless person who has given up everything to care for the poor, sick and dying while maintaining a faith that is not of this world. Nevertheless, I feel less ashamed of my current state now that I know I’m not alone.
I think more people should feel free to experience their human emotions. I’ve been in Christian ministry for close to 20 years and managed to deny my feelings for 17 of them. It is very unhealthy to do that, and not what Jesus wants for me, His daughter.
Knowing that others have also experienced the “dark night of the soul” is comforting, and I believe that comfort comes from my Lord. I am where I am — in the valley right now — and if God is to be believed, then He walks with me, this post-modern-leaning Christian, in my soul’s dark night. I am convinced that I know too much to turn back to the life I knew before Him. Daybreak shall come.
© Alexa Lopez 2007
No More Tag??
AP reports that Discovery Canyon Campus school, an elementary school in Colorado Springs, has banned ”Tag” because “it causes a lot of conflict on the playground,” according to assistant principal Cindy Fesgen. Some children had complained because they were being harassed or chased against their will.
Way to wash your hands of the children in your charge, Discovery Canyon Campus!
Conflict among children happens at recess no matter what games they are playing. Kids get angry with one another during recess soccer games when one misses the ball and kicks another in the shin. Conflict erupts when one kid wants to play recess football but doesn’t get picked for a team. Kids may harass another in an attempt to discourage him from playing kickball with them because he does not play kickball as well as they do.
Kids have conflict on the playground equipment. Are we to ban monkey bars, too?
And don’t even get me started on how kids pick on other kids in the classroom. Conflict happens there, too, and is rarely addressed appropriately.
These conflicts I describe do not differ much from the conflicts that may arise from “tag” or “Red Rover” — although I remember “Red Rover” hurting pretty bad, we played it anyway and took our bruises.
I’m certain other measures could be taken to deal with these children’s grievances. For instance, instead of banning the game “tag,” Discovery Canyon Campus school should rather have assigned that “tag” games be played in a designated area so kids who didn’t want to be chased could be in another part of the playground.
And here’s another thing: those who supervise our children during recess are employed to mediate when there’s conflict and help to facilitate resolution or, if need be, get the kids’ teachers and/or principal involved. They should not do away with childhood games just to make their jobs easier. Seriously, who really believes that working at an elementary school will be a cushy job, free of difficulty? Indeed, it is oftentimes more difficult to teach children how to handle conflict than to teach academics.
If I sound insensitive and less than sympathetic, believe me, I am neither. As a “Mother Bear” myself, I have wanted many times to march into school and make certain the teachers protect my kids from all things cruel and unkind. If I did that, they would never learn to handle conflict in social situations when Mom or Dad are not around.
If I had my way, they would never harm another, nor would they ever suffer harm from their peers.
Too bad. That’s not the way the world works. Even adults don’t always play nice; just watch any major league baseball game and see how effectively they handle their conflicts. Better to learn how to handle conflict as children since growing older doesn’t make things any easier.
The game of “Tag” is not the problem. It’s just “Tag.”
Kids need to exercise. They need to run and jump and play. And they need to learn responsibility. Children at recess will not learn responsible play or conflict resolution during play if the adults bail on them.
© Alexa Lopez 2007
